


Then Everything Was Dark

by theangelanddean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Good Bye, I'm Sorry, M/M, POV Castiel, Post-Episode: s10e23 My Brother's Keeper, Sadness, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 19:42:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4112668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theangelanddean/pseuds/theangelanddean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The very first thing Castiel, Angel of the Lord, remembers is Crowley’s terrified face and Rowena flicking her hair back as she waltzed out of the musty room. Then everything was black.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Then Everything Was Dark

**Author's Note:**

> my [tumblr](http://heavenlycas.co.vu/)

The very first thing Castiel, Angel of the Lord, remembers is Crowley’s terrified face and Rowena flicking her hair back as she waltzed out of the musty room. Then everything was black. 

The first time he woke up, he felt numb. He saw Dean Winchester walking away from him and the words “Next time I won’t miss” echoed in his head. He had let the pain of Dean’s punches through even if he had his grace. He had laid on the ground letting himself bleed until tears escaped his eyes – until his heart could take no more. When he finally healed himself, he didn’t just go back to Sam, he slowly placed all the books back into the shelves but when he had gone to place Dean’s belongings back in his room, he broke down again. He smelt the rugged smell of Dean and he felt his heart call out for him again. Then everything was black. 

The second time he woke up, he felt sorrow. He was tied up in a chair with a gag in his mouth and Metatron was walking tall and his mouth moved. His mouth moved but no sound came out. A few word slipped through like “saving”, “one human”, “Dean Winchester”, but the word’s “He’s dead too” were the loudest of them all. Metarton had kept on talking but he never paid attention. All he could think about his how he never got the courage to tell Dean. To tell…Dean…Then everything was black. 

The third time he woke up, he felt human. He was slumped on a chair with his shirt torn open and woundless blood smeared over his chest. The first word that had come out of his mouth was “Dean”. Dean was there. There was no bright glow of Dean’s soul surrounding the room but instead a human face that could battle the beauty of the night sky. He heard the breathless sound of Dean’s voice. All it had said was “Cas”. Then everything was black. 

The fourth time he woke up, he felt scared. Dean was crouching down in front of him with a face so bloody; it was hard to see his soul. But the scene had kept changing. Sometimes he was in front of Dean with the angel blade pointing down and sometimes he was in heaven in front of Naomi. But in both scenes, he had heard Dean say, “I need you”. These words imprinted on him and his grace. Then everything was black. 

The fifth time he woke up, he felt protective. The surroundings were dark and grey. The trees stood tall and he was dirty. Purgatory, they called it. He was in Purgatory. The only mission he had here was to stay as far from Dean. He couldn’t let Dean get hurt because the monsters in this wasteland could smell the angel inside of him. But the next thing he saw was Dean walking towards him and engulfing him in his arms. Every human feeling he had felt since he collected Jimmy Novak’s vessel didn’t have a chance against the feeling of Dean’s arms around him. Then everything was black. 

The sixth time he woke up, he felt crazy. Dean was there again. He had an angry and stubborn look upon his face. It was not his favorite expression but it was still Dean. He still looked beautiful. But the words coming out of Dean’s mouth were even more beautiful. “I’d rather have you, cursed or not.” Dean wanted him. Maybe not the way he wanted Dean but nevertheless, Dean still wanted him. Then everything was black. 

The seventh time he woke up, he felt confused. His name was Emmanuel and he couldn’t remember the name of the green-eyed man in front of him. But he knew him. He wanted to be by him. He loved him. Then everything was black. 

The eighth time he woke up, he felt guilty. He felt the Leviathans gnawing at his stomach. He saw Bobby, Sam and Dean. He saw the blood and mess he had made. He saw the mistakes he had made. He knew he would not live after this moment. That is why he tried to memorize every freckle and every crook of Dean’s face. He tried to feel this soul through the contact of his arm. He had taken everything in before he lost control. Then everything was black. 

The ninth time he woke up, he felt regret. He stood in a circle of holy fire as Dean kept blaming him. He deserved the blame but he felt that he was doing right. He felt that he was going to save the world. But Dean didn’t think so. Dean was angry. Then everything was black. 

The tenth time he woke up, he felt longing. He watched Dean raking leaves. It was domestic but he felt that this is where Dean belonged. Raking leaving in the backyard of a house he owned. Waking up and kissing him—no, Lisa—awake. He longed to have this with Dean. But he knew Dean would never accept. He knew as long as he was an angel, this could never be. Dean loved him but not like he wanted Dean to love him. Then everything was black. 

The eleventh time he woke up, he felt flustered. Dean pushed him out of the brothel while he laughed like there was no tomorrow. Which may have been true. That might have been their last night on earth together. Yet Dean spent it with him and he had made Dean laugh. It was better than any scene he had ever seen. It was as if he saw the universe being made again. This sight of Dean was tattooed in his memory. Then everything was black. 

The twelfth time he woke up, he felt loved. He stood at the side of a road and Dean had held his shoulder and said, “Never change”. That day he promised Dean that he would never change. He would try to stay the same for him. He did not know why he heeded to Dean’s words but a fire kindled in the depths of his heart. And now he knew why. Then everything was black. 

The thirteenth time he woke up, he felt new. He fluttered his wings and pushed through the old barn door letting the light and electricity crackle all around him. That was the first time he met Dean in the human world. It was the first time those sparks around him felt like they were also inside him. It was a new feeling. It was a feeling that was ignited by Dean. Then everything was black. 

The fourteenth he woke up, he felt lost. His hand hit the brightest soul in hell. He wrapped his arm around the soul and held his hand on the soul’s shoulder as hard as he could while wielding off demons with the angel blade in his other hand. Then he yelled, “Dean Winchester has been saved”. After that touch and that name, he was lost. Then everything was black. 

The last thing Castiel, the Angel who rebelled against heaven for one man, remembered was Dean running towards him. A pool of Crowley’s blood surrounded him but his eyes were fixed on Dean. He paid attention to how Dean mouthed his name. He paid attention to how his heart pumped it’s last beat whispering the name _Dean_. Then everything was black for the very last time.


End file.
